Oh, I'm so clever, but not very wise. I'm stuck forever. Stuck in my mind.

The universe backs off from intensity to calm as planetary alignments recede from center stage.

Oh! Thanks the Holy (insert name of Deity who suits your taste here, or use Inner-Self if you don't believe in the outside sources). I thought the passed 2 days was just a bad PMS-ing moments.

************

I'd grown weary of walking in circles. Pondering about the same thing over and over, trying to find out what is the meaning of life.

Just when I think I got it, there I'll go, losing myself again.

The world does not make sense. I don't understand it. I don't understand me.

Laugh! Go ahead. Laugh your head off then, if you have it all figured out. But don't act so almighty on those of us who still trying to figure it out. One should show some kindness and compassion to those less fortunate, not step all over them. Because if one shows such rancid behavior, then one has not reached the enlightenment. And thus, not so almighty after all.

Why do we go on hurting each other, tearing each other apart?

Today is the second day of the No Name Calling Week.

Which leads me to wonder, did we - as a nation - abuse the rights to the Freedom of Speech so badly that there has to be an awareness week dedicated against our Potty Mouth Behavior?

I have been toying with the idea for a while now about the concept of Freedom. And Boundaries. When you exercise your freedom without any consideration to others, it becomes an issue of violation of personal boundary.

I think the population misunderstood the idea of Freedom and think that there are no limitations to it. They called it "expressive" or "being yourself" or "being real". On contrary, Freedom has a high price of consequences. Prices that may be a little higher than you can afford comfortably.

This is part of one major issue that I am struggling with.

My dearest readers, my name is Whitney and I have a major controlling issue. When I was younger, I would say the darnest things - the ugly truth - and I learned quickly that it was not alright to do so. That was the first application of control. I stopped saying the darnest things and found out that people see me as fake. Here comes the second application of control. I started to learn to walk around the boundary, tip-toeing. I'm beginning to control my freedom of expression. Sometimes, I got it right and sometimes, I still got it wrong. I'm still learning.

I just woke up, so, my brainjuice is not quite at its normal bubbly point yet. And there is a statement to this entry which I am still too incoherent to put into an argument.

But believe you me, ladies and gentlemen; Freedom is a double edge sword.

**********

[ETA] Speaking of control issue, here is my daily horoscope advise: Fighting someone else's battles may be more about your own self-worth than being of assistance. Unfortunately, others may resent you for smothering them, so don't try to control anything that isn't your direct concern.

*chants* See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. See no evil. Hear no...

[ETA#2] Here is the No Name-Calling Week website. It appears that this is aimed toward children and bullying in school. But still, where do you think our children learned from?

Handling and caring for a Whitney.

A Whitney is quite simple to handle if you reduced everything to the basics: Food, rest, home, love, appreciation and encouragement.

The name Whitney means White Island. An island stands strong in the middle of ocean. A Whitney is a strong individual who may be stubborn at times. However, if handled improperly, a Whitney can become paranoid from the weather (outside) elements and develop a co-dependent tendency (needy) if the island cannot supply itself with the basic necessities. An island is surrounded by water, the symbol of emotion. A Whitney can be hyper-sensitive and effected by the surrounding emotions.

The easiest way to motivate a Whitney is by using reasons and compassion. A Whitney can be a tropical paradise or a just a dead-trapping sand dune.

Don't let your Whitney turn into a sand dune, give your Whitney some loving today!

Uh-oh it's magic!

Understanding magic.

I guess I could say that I have been unknowingly practicing magic since the time before I can remember.

Magic is a trickery of sort.

Don't get me wrong, I am not focusing on using the word trickery as to mean deceitful, I am using it more in the sense that it is difficult to understand and master. Each person sees and understands and uses magic differently. Yes, there are common ground of reality and acceptance. But if you pay attention to details, you will find that each magician mastered their tricks differently. At least, that is what I found.

When I was a baby, my mother told me, I'd cried so loud that the whole neighborhood would hear me. Everyone will be aware of my upsets when I am not happy. That is still true today. Of course, I do not wail like a banshee any more, but I was told that my emotions tend to influence people around me to feel the same way.

When I was a little older, 6-7 years old, I have the ability to predict unfortunate outcome of things. My mother told me that I have a cursed mouth, the bad things I predicted came to be real. If you don't believe in those mimi-kaka-voodoo stuffs, let me translate that to you in non-magical term. As a child, I had extremely keen observation skills. I was able to conceive the potential threats and predict the outcome of bad choices. It's only the process of probability. However, as a child, I do not know the consequences of what should be said out loud and what shouldn't be, or when it is acceptable to express certain thoughts and when not to.

I learned that soon after and I learned to layer my communications. When I say that magic is a trickery of sort, it was a small sample of one of my magical skills. I use words and terms that may mean one thing to some people and a different thing to others. There are layers to the language and all the messages are correct and true - to me. You may say that I send different messages to different people using the same exact sentence.

It's a child survival instinct. If no one wants to play with you because they feared that the bad thing you said is going to come true, you will quickly learn to distract them into different direction or learn to be quite.

I also learned to become the ambience noise. I can yell out from the top of my lungs and all people hear is white noises, and not the message. It's very frustrating when you scream as loud as you can, and your words were still ignored.

It makes sense. You know secrets and you want to share, but the world is not ready to know. So, you said it out but you were able to say it in such a tone that it does not grasp anyone's attention. That way, you can say that you said it and it's not your fault that people did not heed your words.

It gets quite frustrated, though, because of the limitation of the vocabulary, especially the English language. This 2007 year, one of my major challenges is to understand and master my problems in the communication area. The other, is to control my emotions so that it does not become co-dependent with the emotions of those around me. The other issue that just recently came to my attention is that I do not recognize the customary boundaries between people, other living things, time, space, this world and the Otherworld. It is so easy for me to slip from one realm into another that it was second nature and I forgot to stop and think that other people have hard time with it or following where I am going. I need to learn to define those boundaries and pay more attention to what I can or cannot expose outside of the physical reality.

What about you? What type of magic is your specialty? What are its strengths and weaknesses?

I held my nose, I closed my eyes. I took a drink!

I didn't know if it was day or night,
I started kissing everything in sight.

Do you believe in witchcraft and voodoo? I'm not talking about it as a religion but I'm talking about it as a state of mind. I am not here to verify or deny the power of the spirit(s). I am just going to focus on my own perception, experience, and interpretation of it.

Last night, a friend who is a wicca priestess performed a shields-removal to open all the charkas for me. She said that in order for me to heal properly and move on with life, all blockages and shields that I put up to - supposedly - protect myself has to be removed first, so that we can look at the "real issues" and start the healing process.

She said there's a tiny blockage in the tail end of my spine, a little in the tummy area, and a whole lot in the heart area. She looked at me and made a very serious face before warning me that if she removes the blocks on my heart, I will be emotionally vulnerable for a few days. She suggested that I try to hang out with friends that emit positive energy. Think happy thoughts and love thyself. I inhaled deeply and said, "Okay. Do it. I can handle this. Take it all off."

I watched as she dances around me, picking off invisible lint and unseen blocks. She looked so calm and happy. I think it may be the thought that she is doing what she believed in to help another human being that made her face glowed. Whatever it was, it also made me feel calm and happy.

I did feel a little nauseous when she gestured her hand as if to remove a brick from my chest. It could be my mind playing trick on me, but that was how I felt.

After all is done, I told her that I was feeling a little naked and I mock-whined, "my golden shield, my silver lining...all gone. My preciouuuuus." We laughed. She told me to go treat myself with a nice bubble bath. And we laughed some more.

As a treat to myself, I enrolled in a free workshop on Relationships.

**********

I braced myself for a dip of depression. I am notorious for having really bad depression at times. I am the nastiest critic when it comes to my own self-esteem.

I was prepared, knowing that without those blocks and shields, I am an open target. What I found was that I don't need them in the first place. I was afraid of the non-existence monster. There's nothing there but love and love can do no wrong. It just can't.

If you think love hurts, take a very close look at it. There is something else mixed in there that shouldn't be.

Today, I found myself sitting at the top of the world and I think life is beautiful. I am stronger than ever before. And quite happy.

The shield is off. My heart is open. And I feel nothing but love.

I arrived at work, and I thought, "Holy honey buns, I like my job." It's been a long time since I feel passionate about my work. I got sidetrack from everyday grinding of 9 to 5 routine that I actually forgotten what precisely I am here for.

I see people in new light. And if a person is grumpy, I try to see if they are uncomfortable, or scared, or did I - or someone - step over their personal boundary. Usually it is one of those reasons. It made me realized that, inside, each and every one of us just want to be happy and be respected.

And all of the sudden, life is not as hard as I thought it to be. If you care about something or someone, pay a little attention to the minor details: what makes it tick? What does he like? What doesn't she like? And honor your findings.

Life will still make ugly faces at us once in a while and that is okay too. Hold your ground and announce your boundaries, not with anger but with love. Sometimes, life throws a tantrum at you because you are threatened to cross over its boundary. Life, itself, can be afraid, too – just like all other things.

When someone, especially a friend, get upset with me, I can fight it back with anger. However, that does not solve anything. I advise myself to cock my head to the left (because cocking is what Whitney do best. Woo-hoo-hoo!), and think of the first and foremost reason: Love. Okay, so this person is upset because he/she loves me, but something went wrong somewhere. Am I not paying attention? Is there a message they are trying to send to me that I misunderstood or ignoring? Am I being too demanding? Am I being a control freak, again? Am I stepping over their boundary or impinging their freedom to exercise their free will? Usually it falls into one of these categories.

I am not saying that shit never happens or there are no real "meanies" out there. Because, there are, I'm not going to lie. But that is a very small percentage. Besides, if it is "that" bad, then why are you wasting your time and your energy on it? Focus on the good things and know, for yourself, that you can make the good things even better.

***********

Last night, I made a bet with myself. If I truly have the power, I want a HoneyBaked sandwich for lunch.

I just finished the Monte Cristo á la HoneyBaked and working on to finish the pickle. Small step for Whitney, a miracle magnitude for mankind. It took a collaboration of a few entities to make it happened for me. HoneyBaked ran out of the "special bread", I told them I don't mind regular bread. I got my sandwich and HoneyBaked did not charge me a penny because they didn't have the "special" bread and the buns weren't grill (which was a very minor point to me).

It could have been the result of opening up the charkas. It could have been the Relationship class. Or it could have been the finishing-end of yesterday's post. Whatever it is, I am very happy with it.

You can believe in whatever you like. As for me, I believe in Monte Cristo á la Honeybaked and the Love Potion Number 9.

Mood: Bewitched

She resurrected the dead so that they would battle and die again the next day.

Hello World.

I feel silly! So silly, and crazy, and cuckoo for Coco-puffs!

*********

It's a dog eat dog world!

My muses told me that I'm too nice. "If you don't learn to bitch people out, you'll be taken advantage of. It's the bitches and bastards that stand up and fight of their rights that get what they want."

And all these times, I thought that if you are nice to people, people with reciprocate, and be nice to you.

What is the world coming to?

**********

Ask, and you shall receive.

It's a simple idea, really. If you need something, ask for it. People may feel charitable and lend a hand. Or people may feel obligated and have no choice but to get involved. Not so simple now, is it?

How about observe and offer? If you care about something, you give that something your attention. You observe it. If it needs help and you feel that you can, offer the help. You do it because you care, because you want to. Now, does that not sound so much more caring?

Will we receive without ever asking? I'm just curious.

***********

Usually reality invaded dream, but sometimes, dream invaded reality.

A gypsy-looking lady sitting under the star-sprinkled sky smiled at me with an incomplete set of crooked teeth. "You have an old soul, deary." She said.

"What?"

"You have journeyed through many lives. Do not let your gift lie fallow. You must let it out."

"What gift?"

"It's in here." She tapped her finger on her forehead. "Let it out. It will do no harm because you will not allow it to. "
"What?"

She clucked her tongue in annoyance. "Forget it. You're not awake. In due time, then."

"Huh?"

"You'll see." She looked into my eyes. I stared back at her. (Ain't no homeless lady is going to stare me down.) After a long pause, she muttered something that sounds like "Rare gift." or maybe it was "Bull shit"?

Then, she stalked off and I pinched myself to check if I was dreaming. Mister Gentle blew hot air through his nose and pushed at me as if to say, "Let's go home."

***********

Black cat, white cat.

White cat darted cross my path, two nights in a row - in two different cities, many miles apart. Surely, it must be two different cats, both fluffy white. I called that strange.

Searched the web, some said it's good luck and some said it's bad. I guess it all even out in the end.

I believe in the seven sins. Wield it right and everybody wins.

WARNING: I have something to say, but it appears that I don't know how to say it. This is an unfinished entry. Unless, of course, you are sitting in my head.

************

I am feeling another surge of characteristic changed. Today, I'm taking off my philosophical thinking-cap and put my pink-frilly dreaming-cap on.

For the past few months, I have been meandering through life with philosophical questions. The world was quite difficult to comprehend. What's the meaning of life? Why am I here? Who is talking in my head? Do I have sixth sense or over-active imagination? Why do we go through so much suffering? Does everyone suffer through life? And why?

I think what I really learned was not the meaning of life, per se. I don't think there is a definite answer to those questions. Instead, what I walked away with is how to be patience and tolerance. I learned how to respect other people's opinion and stand-points, without having to sacrifice my own. Or express my own believes, and respect others' at the same time. To some of you, you may think this is easy, but to me, this is a task I do not fall into naturally. I can lead well and I can follow well. That is not the problem. The problem is it has to be all or nothing. I can't do both at the same time efficiently. I don't know. Maybe that was just exactly the thing I am here to learn. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Anyway, I think my brain has just enough of philosophical thinking to last me a couple of years. I'm leveling off at a good plateau. I grew up to the point where I am content, at least for the moment.

In the next few months, I am hoping to saunter through life with my pink-frilly hat on and dance to the living songs. Life doesn't have to be hard and I'm going to have life show me how it's done. I'm going to make sweet love to the great things life has to offer.

Let the debauchery begins!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Midgard.

Hello New Year!!!

My, oh my, such excitements in the air! Can you feel the dynamic of fate? Like, the electric current running through my veins.

Sorry, I haven't lurked out earlier. Did you miss me? Because I am a-hella miss you folks. I'm not quite sure what was going on during this New Year, but what ever it was, freaked me out to the 7th degree. I'm not very comfortable with changes – especially changes that I cannot predict the outcome - and during the New Year period, there were way too much changes going on in the air. It made me uncomfortable.

People smiled and greeted each others last week with, "Happy New Year!" I looked at them sideways and thought, "What is so gosh-darn good about it?" I guess I was having the "New Year's Blue".

I celebrated the count-down at Disneyland, the happiest place on earth. I guess I was looking for a miracle, an instant super black-to-white change. Well, nothing changes after the count-down, none that I can see, at least. Nothing changes on the New Year's Day either.

So, instead of letting myself turned into the gloomy Eeyore, I told myself to shut down and go lie low in my own personal space for a while because the promises of the New Year with all things getting new all bright and shiny beginning was just inconceivable to me. I was hoping that the world would show it to me. It didn't. I was disappointed.

I guess I wasn't ready to make an update either, but before I let it get to the point where I cannot do an update because there is too much to say, I think it would be best if I lurked out from my subconscious - the underworld, my own special hell, etc. - for a moment to say hi to you guys and at least say hello to the two-double-zeros-seven!

********

I am torn between wanting to talk and not wanting to talk, at the same time.