I am the Christmas Morning' Toy. I am the Trojan Horse of Troy.

Yesterday, I woke up and I realized that I may be more messed up than I thought.

Last night, I heard myself growing up.

This morning, I woke up and the world is mine again.

...sometimes, one has to walk the wicked path to prove that one can stand on one's own.

***********

On Christmas Day, I danced around in my apartment with pretty white wings. There were angels gathering. I don't think I quite fitted in. There were so pure and white, I think I might taint them all if I reach out and touch them. I felt I didn't belong. The angels will fall if I breathe on them.

The day after Christmas, I put on my black wings and slid around in my apartment. I felt free and lonely at the same time. The wings grew bigger as the time passed on, until it concealed the whole of me and the space turned dark and empty with nothing but the voices of forlorn.

...

Last night, Lucy and I walked up the hill under the moonlight. The wind blew harshly and the trees shook their leaves. Little Shadows hopping from branches to branches, red eyes sparkle in the dark and quick flashes of ghastly white fangs. I don't know if I was trying to be brave for myself or for the sake of Lucy, but I know that she could feed off of my emotion. I had to stand my ground and showed her that everything is alright. I closed my eyes, inhaled the cold wind and asked Mother Nature to protect me. We walked back to the stable under the embraced of the breeze, and voracious watchful eyes of the Shadows who dare not enter our space. Lucy and I, we got back to the barn all right. It's a level of accomplishment, I suppose.

Today, I woke up comfortable and happy under my blankets. I donned on my grey wings, stretched them out one side at a time before I tucked them in underneath my jacket. I'm going outside to play under the sun. It is a beautiful day with clear blue sky. I guess the wind last night blew away all the pollutions. There was an angel sipping on a Dolce Latte at the local Starbucks. She was reading a book. I didn't try to make eye contact or get her attention, though, I did smile to myself. I may not be dancing among the White Wings, but I still can see them.

You'll be surprised to find that the most incredible angels heaven created was found to be quite unable to fly.

Mood: Whole and holy.

One thing I have learned in the year 2006, if nothing else, is that each and every one of us are special in our own ways.

I don't care if you have been put down by every body you have come in contact with or if you think you are the scum of the deep sea. There is something in you that are better than any body's else, something that is entirely your own – may it be the ability to see though the walls or burp in 3 different octaves.

I assure you, no one has it all, and no one has none at all. Yes, some may have multi-facet talents; some may have only one intense uniqueness. We all have it, different specialties that when come together will complete a picture.

You may think the talent you possessed is one of the useless; you just have not found your click yet.

The world cannot operate if every one thinks the same, or possess the same ability. There won't be any balance in the world. Imagine, the whole world full of nothing but businessmen who can only think of buying and selling and make profit: who is going to cook for them? who is going to create products for them to market? who is going to fix their toilet? or clean up their trash? who are they going to buy or sell to if there are no consumers (also know as the idiots who buy)? What if the whole world is nothing but Kings? Who will serve them? How about a world that full of nothing but servants? Who will they serve to? Can you imagine the whole world full with nothing but socialists? Or nothing but fascists? Or communists? If everyone is a conservative, we will never move forward. And if everybody is a liberal, we will never have any stability and the society will be spinning constantly if not erratically, because everybody will want change – all the time.

It is the variety that creates the balance. It is the balance that graces us with the freedom. And it is the freedom that offers us the variety.

Never let anyone put you down because you are different or think differently. And most importantly, never put yourself down, ever. It doesn't matter who you are, I bet I can find at least 3 things that make people envious of you.

May you find your balance, take pride in your variance and find your freedom in the year to come. Happy Holidays.

Got a boneman on my shoulder doing the devil's work.

Last night, Warlock and I went for a walk under the stars. It's amazing how 20 minutes outside of downtown Los Angeles can provide us with a star-filled sky.

Warlock and I, we think we saw the Milky Way. Also, I noticed that the star on Orion's right shoulder is orange and his left knee is blue. There are so many stars out last night, it's unfortunate that my knowledge of the night sky is only limited to the moon and Orion.

I could never tell if the bright star I see is Venus, Mercury, or Mars? Maybe it's the North Star or Sirius?

*******

And now, for our regular scheduled rambling of insanity...

You know? Life sucks. Yes, it's got a couple of happy days along the way to push you on, but as a whole, life sucks. You can call me pessimistic, but it's hard not to be one when you constantly see then end of things.

Have you ever play with a magic 8-ball? You shook it and when you didn't like the answer, you change the rules: make it two out of three, three out of five, or that time didn't count. I think that is what I'm doing. One is in charge of one's own destiny. Or does one not?

I see the end and it's not that amusing, so, I tried to cheer myself up and be optimistic – things can change blah blah – and I tricked myself into believing it. So, I get hurt when reality came nipping me in the butt.

Someone told me that it's all the power of the mind. If you think it, it will go as you think. All you have to do is really believe in yourself.

I had my good days, and I had days where no matter what I do, things will just not go my way. I don't think I have a weak mind, I just think I'm unfocused. There is nothing for me to believe in except for some flippant reality that I don't fully trust.

For the past two months, I have been fighting with identity issue. On one hand, I stood my ground and live the way I'm comfortable with: passive, go with the flow, talking to ghosts. It's kind of like living in a dream world. Yet, on the other hand, I feel like I have been forcing everyone to live with my "condition". It sucks that my ways of living do not conform to mass public's standard. It made me feel odd, but it is not right for me to force everyone to conform to the abnormal.

It sucks that we are so conditioned to think - and believe - in such a certain way that any idea that is not conformed to the settings that we are accustomed – or programmed - to is just unbelievable hard to think with.

There has to be a middle ground somewhere. I don't think I'm that far off from reality. I have been spoiling myself rotten as of late by letting myself float within the alternate universe of subconscious. Though, I must say I deserved it fully with all the lemons life threw at me lately. However, I guess it's time I actually grow up and start integrating between what is there and what is not, and walk in the common territory.

It is funny that what is there is the intangible and what is not there is the actual tangible entities. What real is not and what is not, is real. If that makes any sense at all.

I guess it's time to step out of the boundaries.

***********

And now...on to our useless questions of the day...

1. Ever punch someone in the face?
None that I care to remember.

2. How old are you?
Old enough to know something but not old enough to know everything.

3. Are you single or taken?
I am...difficult.

4. Eat with your hands or utensils?
Always utensils if I have the choice.

5. Do you dream at night?
Yes, and the morning, and during the day as well.

6. Ever seen a corpse?
I was inclined to say no but I'm almost sure I've been to the funeral before.

7. Have you ever wished someone dead?
Yes. Not with bad intension or anything, just that some angels belong in heaven.

8. Do You Like Bush?
I don't know him enough to pass judgments. He is just a sock puppet making a living as far as I can see.


HERE COMES THE FUN.........

9. Whats your philosophy on life? and death?
Life: Ancora Imparo
Death: death before dishonor, at least alphabetically.

10. if you could do anything with me, and have no one know about it, what would it be?
I think that's a thing we should discuss...privately.

11. do you trust the police?
Depends on the police, each of them has his/her own personality.

12. Do you like country music?
They are entertaining in general.

13. what is your fondest memory of me?
Your aura is shiny.

14. If you could change anything about yourself
would you?
Yes. I think I'm too dependent - needy, to be exact. I'd like to be a little more autonomous.

15. would you date me?
Be careful of what you're asking.

16. What do you wear to sleep?
If it's just me, the blanket is enough. If I'm not alone, pajamas pants and oversize-T.

17. What is the worst thing you have ever done?
Which level of hell can you handle?

18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
I always like a good mystery.

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
Your day, your choice.

20. What is your favorite thing about me?
You, being you.

21. do you think I'm attractive?
Everyone is attractive in their own charming way.

22. what's your favorite color?
It's ever changing.

23. if you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
King Tut. I want to know if it is the bash on the head or the wound in his knee that killed him.

24. tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
"Know some call is air am."

**********

And now...a token of jest

The Harlequin You scored 39% Cardinal, 46% Monk, 47% Lady, and 40% Knight!

You are a mystery, a jack-of-all-trades. You have the king's ear, but also listen to murmurings of the common folk. You believe in the value of force and also literature. Truly you are the puzzlement of the age.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Cardinal You scored higher than 99% on Monk You scored higher than 99% on Lady You scored higher than 99% on Knight

Link: The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test written by KnightlyKnave on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I'm not a bad person. I'm only a necessary evil.

I'm not quite sure if I am in apathy or am I just pretty much disinterest in the world.

...

I feel like I want to suck the life out of someone right now. Seriously.

O motivation, wherefore art thou?

***************

Dear annoying secret object of my obsession,

I cannot figure you out. Your actions intrigued – and troubled – me at the same time. You are so annoying I can't stop thinking about you. You are the source of my agitation. Stop being so annoying!

I don't even think I like you. You're not my type and your line of thoughts is odd, according to me. Stop being such a nuisance and cease this intriguing/mysterious stuff immediately. I no longer want you in my head. I am not in love with you (I'm only curious) and it will be wiser (and probably better for the both of us) for me not to.

You disturb my calm.

Peskipixie Pesternomi!

Let me bend your mind. I want to hear you sigh.

I am less confused then yesterday, but still confuse nonetheless. Have seen a glimpse of light – flickering, beckoning – at the end of the tunnel. Will make a beeline into the shiny general direction.

Have adopted a pet rock – a serpentine with bits of pyrites. His name is Murdock.

Goodness gracious, I need a life!

*********

But now, for the purpose of self-distraction and entertainment, I give you...CREEPY QUIZES.

What metaphysical terror are you?
Dimentional House controlling with an unescapable personality, you are an absolute terror that often defies the rules of physics for an inscrutable inhuman reason. Few can challange your will or even navigate your hallways! Try reading House of Leaves.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Assassin. Where You Lived: France. How You Died: Absinthe.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Information overload

Sometimes, I feel like I inhaled information too fast. There are so much out there: different viewpoints, different theories, different believes. Each has its own supports. Each has its own backings. Each has its own weak points and downfalls.

It constantly changes the way I see things, the way I understand things, how I make senses of the world. When information came in too fast, it cause all sorts of kerfuffle because information, most times, do not match up well from different sources. Everything is full of contradictions.

Everything changes, yet through these changes, there are constants to the equation. So, everything remains constant while it is changing. I think that's a load of bull sh*t if you care to know. It does not make sense.

Anyway...

I am extremely confused at life right now. Just when I thought I got it figured out and I can operate in an easy cruising mode, life decided to smacked me upside the head.

And there I go, losing my center again.

...

You know, some people have the ability to self-guide. I am not one of those people. I need guidance, someone to point me in a certain direction, and I need guidance more than ever right now. I'm spinning out of control and I don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore.0

It is stupid, I know. But I need someone to be my anchor, someone to ground me to the physical world. I have the habit of floating into subconscious and I'm afraid that one day, I will be so wrap up in my own head that I won't be able to find my way back to the 'real world'.

************

And now, useless quiz. Because it distracts me from the Suck-o-life and it amuses my brain.

whitney -- [noun]: A person who laughs at anything (even this entry) 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

It's Friday. yippie-kai-yay!!!1

I feel squishy today; squishy, bouncy and spongy. I think I'm in love, again.

The Monster is somewhat under control. What I gained through the whole ordeal is self-respect. My monster taught me how to hold my ground without shaking the whole planet into bits and crumbles.

I watched some movies during the weekend.

Thank You for Smoking. If I can only watch ONE movie this year, this would be it. Best screenplay. Best dialogue. Best creepy – but so good - kid. XD And best of all, BEST MESSAGE! Ever!

Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent.

The Da Vinci Code. Great "what if" movie. I, personally, like to explore the possibilities of alter-perspective and I'm addicted to crack – code cracking, that is. So, yes, love this movie. I'm not saying if I agree or disagree with the content, I'm saying that for fiction sake, the movie is damn good!

Mission Impossible: III Watch it for entertainment. It's action pack. Need more Jonathan Rhys-Meyers' screen time. Plot does not make sense in my opinion, but maybe I missed something. Oh well, in all fairness, my brain was fried by the start of movie number three. And the distraction of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and not enough hot-ass screen time didn't help any.

Now, on to the 50 useless questions:

1. How tall are you barefoot?
5 feet and 3.87562 inches.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
I guzzle caffeine by the gallon, does that count?

3. Do you own a gun?
Yes, have not cleaned it for…4 years now. When I found my gun, I forgot where I hid the bullets and when I found the bullet, I forgot where I hid the gun. It's a vicious cycle.

4. Do you play the ads on the side of the screen?
Only accidentally. I'm paranoid about the viruses and the worms.

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
Yes! My mother is lovely, BUT STRANGE.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
They are...funny looking?

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do-oo-oo.
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Six shots Americano over ice with 12 pumps of gingerbread syrup.

9. Can you do push ups?
Only if my life depends on it.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
Clean...enough.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
Serpentine on string and my pretty snake ring.

12. Do you like painkillers?
In what form, exactly?

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I got no secret weapon.

14. Do you own a knife?
You mean like the ones in the kitchen?

15. Do you have A.D.D?
No, but my Mercury is a Gemini.

16. Middle Name?
Is the name that will remain a mystery.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
One, two and three.

18. what's your normal bed time?
Midnight.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Aqua, espresso and Sunkist.

20. What time did you wake up this morning?
8 am.

21. Name one person that comes to mind right now.
Malia. She just called me from Disneyland. I told her to go beat up Cinderella. Muaahahah.

22. Current worry?
I don't know what to get people for Christmas. I'm into rocks at the moment. Would people look at me weird if I give them healing rocks? Would they think I'm cheap? It's really love, you know, the healing rocks

23. Current hate?
Christmas shopping. I like to touch things before I buy but I don't like crowded malls.

24. Favorite place to be?
In my head, but only on good days.

25. Least favorite place to be?
Erm..in my head, on bad days.

27. Do you own slippers?
Yes, a pair in the bedroom, 1 in the living room, possibly 2 under the bed, 1 to wear at work and one for Percy (the resident puppy) to chew on.

28. What shirt are you wearing?
Work shirt.

29. Do you burn or tan?
Burn, baby, burn!!!

30. Favorite color(s)?
At what time?

31. would you be a pirate?
I *am* a pirate, geez!

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Does jello shots count? They're not really in the liquid department, y'know?

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Morning shower or before bed shower? And which day?

34. What did you fear was going to get you in the night as a child?
My shadow.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
Nothing. Pockets are empty.

36. Last thing/person that made you laugh?
Secret letter to Santa from Ken (as in Barbie and...)

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Was abandoned when I got a bigger bed.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Is purely psychological.

39. If you could cheat on your spouse, would you (and not get caught)?
I don't cheat. I'd ask for his permission first.

40. Are your parents still together?
Nope.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
I was raised in the country. I work in a horse farm. Ain't nobody gonna yodel louder than me, yo!

42. Who is your most silent friend?
I don't know any mute person.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
And you would think I know…because?

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
The first couple times, yes. But the wishes back-fired big time. So, I ignored them now.

45. What is your favorite book?
Don't have one at the moment.

46. What is your favorite candy?
English toffee.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
It is not a decision for I – alone – to make.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Something to dance to, probably Angel with an attitude by Ditty Bops or Maybe in the next life by Cinnamon. People should not cry at my funeral. They should be laughing when they think of me and the silly things I do. Smiley people are way more sexier than the puffy-eyes, runny-nose people.

50. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Partying with Morpheus.

There's no sparkles in your eyes

OMG!!! I have turned into a Monster!

THIS WILL JUST NOT DO.

Success: A process of becoming who you already are.

I think the problem with the society at large these days is the fact that people are so immersed in trying to express their own individuality and having a stand and, state their opinions that they forgot one little tiny fact of life.

Think before you speak

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to be "real" and to "express myself".

First, the REAL issue.

You want to talk about being real? How about you be REAL and accept the fact that you are a narrow minded hypocritical bigot? How is that for real?

And you know what? I AM BEING REAL IN MY OWN WAYS. Think about it, I have broken down one too many times, kicking and screaming about why do people demand for me to be real. I didn't get it. What did I do wrong? I was real, why do people still point at me and call me fake.

News flash, morons. I was REAL. I AM REAL. Have been. Always. And the people who still demand for me to be real? I beg of you, consider this for a moment. Do you want me to be real TO MYSELF or do you want me to be real in your standard of what my "real" should be like ACCORDING TO YOU? Are you calling me fake because I didn't act or react according to your ideal of how I should act or react?

And Second, expressing myself. Are you open enough to make me feel safe to talk to you?

The reason I deny you the privilege of knowing my inner thoughts is, heathens, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT. Yes, you masked understanding and tell the world that you are an open-minded individual. Please, do me a favor, and stop being delusional. Your mind will not cease to be narrow just because you kept telling yourself that you are open-minded.

Go ahead, express your opinions and criticize behaviors and cultures that you do not understand. Show me, and the whole world, how ugly your wisdom can be.

Just don't be surprise when I show you the mirror. I told you before, I see people's dark essence and I'm not afraid of them, not anymore. I have no problem slamming it right back in your face.