I traded my TV for a girl with a car

In reverie, the old man visited me again. He tsked at me; wiggling his bony finger in my face.

"Cariad," said he, "I am disappointed."

In my dream, two thoughts came to mind, "Take a number and join the rest of the world," and, "What the f*ck did I do now?"

His eyes were sad, though kindness shown through. I can almost see a shadow of amusement from the corners of his lips, almost. "To think it is wise to play the fool, you are foolish, and you are fooling no one but yourself."

I grinded my teeth while glaring at him and responded with the first thing that came to mind, "Ignorance is bliss."

"Cariad," the word was more a sigh than speak, "how ever will you grow if you are afraid of knowing?"

"Knowledge will do me nothing but harm. Knowledge is hurtful." I retorted.

"Child!" He scolded with voice soft as a whisper yet, it roared in my ears like thunder. I blinked at him, bit my own lip and try to hold back the tears.

"I do not want to grow up. It will hurt me. I do not wish it. Please, I do not want to." Never mind trying to hold back the tear, I wailed like a banshee with a broken heart.

"Cariad," the old man put his hand on my head. I can feel the warmth of his hand passing through me from head to toe. I also became aware of the coolness of the green grass and the mother earth under my feet, reverse the cooling flow from my toe to my head. There was a sense of balance, comfort and belonging.

"Accept your knowledge, child. Do not be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing inside of you that will harm you. Wisdom is knocking at your door. Only your knowledge can open it. It is time to grow. Do not be afraid of it, Cariad."

There was a pull, the fraction of time where I realized that this is a dream and I have to go. "I don't want to go," struggled to hold on to the dream like it was oxygen, "don't make me go back. I'm scared."

He gave me a warm smile, "One day, you shall return. I promise. Go with my blessing, child, and open the door for Wisdom. It is your fate."

I woke up in tears. The sickness feeling of being yanked out from home, the place of comfort, acceptance and adoration.

How long has it been? When was the last time I see myself? Since June? Since April? Maybe longer? When did I go blind and lost myself to the world?

Foolish, I was. I'd so much longed for acceptance that I gave up everything, including myself to get it. Then, there is a pending fear that I will lose it again.

No more of that.

***************************

Heather told me, "You have anxiety about nothing."

I raised my eye eyebrow at her.

"You worry to feel that you are in control," she continued.

My eyebrow hoisted up higher. "Enlighten me," was its wordless implication.

"You worry, so that things won't happen because you worried about it."

Funny. I never see worry in that light before, yet somehow, it made a perfect sense.